Redefining Rockel

You know I never discuss female thermodynamics - Lou; Rescue Me

Poll

Rockel Recipes

Untested Recipes (1)

All Recipes (6)

Peeps

Politics

News

Fake News

Stuff

The Film of the Week

The WORD of the Week

Matthew 3:7-10

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?

Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.

And do not think you can say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.

The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.

Stupid Fact of the Week

There was only one civilian casualty during the three-day Battle of Gettysburg

31 January, 2007

Whether you're powering a Human Killing Device or a New Ad Campaign...

...It just has to work.

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force" is an animated TV series that plays on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

The most recent ad campaign for this show brought an American city to its knees.

Don't watch "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."

Unless you want the terrorists to win.

posted by Rockel @ 5:39 PM 2 comments

29 January, 2007

Never underestimate the usefulness...

...of map reading skills.

posted by Rockel @ 5:04 PM 0 comments

25 January, 2007

I Thought I Had Created a New Slogan for the Beef Industry

But, apparently somebody beat me to it:

Dead Cows Don't Fart.

Oh, well. Voltaire's got my back:

"Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed one from another. The instruction we find in books is like fire. We fetch it from our neighbors, kindle it at home, communicate it to others, and it becomes the property of all."

I've still got, "All That Shivers is Cold."

I should get that trademarked.

posted by Rockel @ 6:19 PM 2 comments

24 January, 2007

Some People Have Conversations With God (Explicit)

I have conversations with Ryan.

I'm not drawing a parallel between the two, I'm just saying...

(Referencing: This Wiki Article)
RYAN: dude...angler fish males are born with no digestive system so they have a very short period of time after birth to bite a female at which point enzymes in its mouth will cause his mouth to assimilate with her skin all the way down to the blood cell level. At this piont, the male lives as a parasite with the female for the rest of its life, atrophieing to the point where it is only useful as gonads and sperm
RYAN: that is the coolest species ever
MATT: you're wierd
RYAN: would you not want to die and come back as an male, parisitic angler fish
MATT: um, no
RYAN: why?
MATT: you might die before you find a female to bite
RYAN: my point is that it would totally kick ass to be a parisitic set of balls attached to some chick
RYAN: waiting to jizz all over the place
MATT: you realize you would be a chick.... with balls
RYAN: no
RYAN: i would be balls
RYAN: on a chick
RYAN: eating her food
MATT: but this chick fish would have balls
RYAN: no, she would have me
RYAN: i would be balls
MATT: and she would have you
MATT: aka balls
RYAN: yes
MATT: so you just impregnate her
RYAN: she's afish...no impregnation
RYAN: she lays eggs, i sperm on 'em
MATT: ok... thru what kind of oraface?
RYAN: my balls
MATT: are you like a whiffle ball?
RYAN: yes
RYAN: whiffle balls
MATT: so you would like to come back as the hole-y balls of a female fish
RYAN: that exists at 1400M
RYAN: below sea level
RYAN: www.reddit.com/user/Th3_C0bra
RYAN: read that wiki
MATT: "some" anglerfish have a unique mating method
RYAN: yea, that's the one i wanna be
RYAN: duh
MATT: haha
MATT: "he bites into her flank"
RYAN: and sucks
RYAN: after he assimilates
MATT: so, he's got no digestive "system" but he releases an enzyme which digests the skin of his mouth and her body, fusing them together?
RYAN: he has one enzyme
RYAN: one's all you need
MATT: that's a good one to have then
MATT: holy shit, ppl eat this fish?
RYAN: the shallow ones that don't assimilate
MATT: survival of the hermaphroditic
RYAN: no, they're are not hermaphroditic, which is why they rule
RYAN: the man in the species is a parasite
RYAN: which is hope for some men of my species
MATT: whatever... its a chick with balls... its a he/she... its hermaphroditic
RYAN: no, it's a chick with a parasitic male who is so lazy that all his muscles have atrophied to the point where the only thing on him that works anymore is his BALLS
RYAN: WHOO!
MATT: haha

posted by Rockel @ 7:39 PM 3 comments

This Just In

The Master Racecar

posted by Rockel @ 5:39 AM 0 comments

23 January, 2007

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

ACTOR -- LEADING
Leonardo DiCaprio -- BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling -- HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole -- VENUS
Will Smith -- THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker -- THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

ACTOR -- SUPPORTING
Alan Arkin -- LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley -- LITTLE CHILDREN
Djimon Hounsou -- BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy -- DREAMGIRLS
Mark Wahlberg -- THE DEPARTED

ACTRESS -- LEADING
Penelope Cruz -- VOLVER
Judi Dench -- NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Helen Mirren -- THE QUEEN
Meryl Streep -- THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet -- LITTLE CHILDREN

ACTRESS -- SUPPORTING
Adriana Barraza -- BABEL
Cate Blanchett -- NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin -- LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson -- DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi -- BABEL

ANIMATED FEATURE
CARS
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

ART DIRECTION
DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERD
PAN'S LABYRINTH
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
THE PRESTIGE

CINEMATOGRAPHY
THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE

COSTUME DESIGN
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
THE QUEEN

DIRECTING
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
JESUS CAMP
MY COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY

DOCUMENTARY SHORT
THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT
RECYCLED LIFE
REHEARSING A DREAM
TWO HANDS

FILM EDITING
BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
AFTER THE WEDDING
DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGENES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH
WATER

MAKEUP
APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH

ORIGINAL SCORE
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

ORIGINAL SONG
"I Need to Wake Up" -- AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
"Listen" -- DREAMGIRLS
"Love You I Do" -- DREAMGIRLS
"Our Town" -- CARS
"Patience" -- DREAMGIRLS

BEST PICTURE
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
THE QUEEN

SCREENPLAY -- ADAPTED
BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL

SCREENPLAY -- ORIGINAL
BABEL
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

SHORT FILM -- ANIMATED
THE DANISH POET
LIFTED
THE LITTLE MATCHGIRL
MAESTRO
NO TIME FOR NUTS

SHORT FILM -- LIVE ACTION
BINTA AND THE GREAT IDEA (BINTA Y LA GRAN IDEA)
ERAMOS POCOS (ONE TOO MANY)
HELMER & SON
THE SAVIOUR
WEST BANK STORY

SOUND EDITING
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

SOUND MIXING
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
DREAMGIRLS
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

VISUAL EFFECTS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
POSEIDON
SUPERMAN RETURNS

posted by Rockel @ 4:25 PM 2 comments

21 January, 2007

On the Record

Well, the NFL Conference Championship games are about to begin, and I'm not a betting man, but if I were, here's how I'd throw down---

According to the latest line:
NFC
Favorite: Bears
Line: -3
Points: 43
AFC
Favorite: Colts
Line: -3.5
Points: 47

NFC: I'll take the Bears to cover...
AFC: I'll take the over in the points...

posted by Rockel @ 11:19 AM 0 comments

19 January, 2007

Work Update *Updated*

(todays actual Dilbert)

I think that about says it all.

Here's how I get thru my days at Rockelburton, Inc...

THE BOSS'S OFFICE - NIGHT

It's the end of the work day. The Boss, SHELLY (name changed to protect... myself), calls three workflow coordinators, LIZ (ibid), MATT (no point here), and BHAVIN (ibid), into her office for a meeting. Towards the end of the meeting Bhavin is shocked to discover that TONYA, a young female employee, has a child.

BHAVIN

What?! She has a kid? An actual kid?!

LIZ

Yeah, you didn't know that? He's, like, almost four or something.

BHAVIN

Sweet God. You're kidding.

LIZ
Serious as a heart attack. Tell him, Shelly.

SHELLY
I don't know if he's four... but, yeah.

BHAVIN
I heard her talking about something like-- I thought she was talking about a dog!

LIZ
Oh, she has a dog, too. A dog and a son.

MATT
But it's an easy mistake... it's hard to tell the two apart.

LIZ
Oh! No he dih-int!

BHAVIN
(laughs)

SHELLY
That's wrong.

MATT
Aw, you know I'm just joking.

LIZ
That's so unfair.

MATT
You're right. I've never even seen her dog.

posted by Rockel @ 4:29 PM 2 comments

Round Two

VIDEO

posted by Rockel @ 3:11 PM 0 comments

1st Decree of the Land of Rockeltopia

The phrases "being proactive," "coming down the pipeline," and "as per our discussion," may not be used without a permit.

2nd Decree:
There are no permits.

posted by Rockel @ 3:06 PM 0 comments

18 January, 2007

Round One

VIDEO

posted by Rockel @ 7:15 PM 0 comments

Ein Rant

So, apparently gum is the new thing... at least with the two people who sit nearest me at work...

pop... pop... pop...

also, listening to morning talk radio... on headphones... while working...

it's good stuff... out of nowhere two or three people situated randomly across a large room bust out into simultaneous laughter, and phrases such as "no she dih-int" or "he stupid" or "aint that the truth" can be heard...

this of course sparks a discussion between these two or three people about how much she actually did; how stupid he is; truth, the essence, definition, and possible beginnings of...

I turn to Bhavin - my Indian friend (yes, I have one of those) - and let out a deep sigh... "The only thing worse than a television program that focuses on exposing the most un-talented people across America is a radio talk show that talks about the program focusing on the un-talented people."...

"I thought you liked American Idol," he fired back.

"Dammit, Bhavin, I'm trying to make a point. I watch American Idol for the same reason I try to peak inside the ambulance when passing the scene of an automobile accident. I don't tune into the news to hear people comment on the car crash later that day."

But all of this is beside the point.

The point is, I normally listen to a CD or FM radio on the drive home, however, since I was listening to AM on the morning commute, to maximize my traffic update intake, my tuner was set to AM talk when I hopped in my car after work.

As such, I got an earful of a conservative talk show host talking about the virtues of Fox's "24."

Now, I'm no stranger to 24 or its alleged lean to the right, having been turned on to the show before the beginning of last season when I heard Rush Limbaugh fall all over himself singing its praises... however, none of this is the point either...

The point is that after this talk show host had his fill of 24, he switched topics to another Fox program... yes... American Idol.

Or, more importantly... It's "deeper implications."

Unbeknownst to me, there are deeper political motivations within the show. These horrible stage moms who tell their kids they are amazing no matter what the obvious truth is, are devastating their children and cutting their legs out from under them by deceiving them into thinking they will make something of their lives in a particular field when they do not posses an adequate amount of talent to actually do so, thereby providing false, devastating hope and failing to support their children in a more appropriate, achievable future... all because of... Liberalism.

This Just In:
Cancer for the Cure
Angelina Shrugged
That's Good Water
More On Coulter

posted by Rockel @ 3:45 PM 3 comments

How do I keep finding these people?

And if I didn't befriend them, who would?

posted by Rockel @ 3:42 PM 0 comments

17 January, 2007

Belated Tribute

This Just In:
Anybody got the time?
21,500 guns

posted by Rockel @ 7:25 PM 1 comments

16 January, 2007

Semi-Real Update

So here it is halfway thru January...

Me... still here in Charlotte... still working at my beloved Rockelburton, Inc... both can't change soon enough... and soon enough both will... I'll keep you updated as my mind finalizes things...

Jack is back. Bauer, that is... in case you missed it, here's what he did in the first four hours (obviously, **SPOILER**)...
- He said, "Dammit"
- He had things uploaded to his screen
- He dove away from two explosions
- He watched a nucular explosion take place
- He got tortured
- He escaped
- He kicked a suiced bomber off a subway train
- He Bit A Man To Death!
Yeah, that's how Jack rolls.

The Globes happened... here's a recap:
"Babel", Mirren, Whitaker, "Dreamgirls", Streep, Sacha Baron Cohen, Hudson, Murphy, Scorsese, Morgan, "Letters From Iwo Jima," Desplat, "The Song of the Heart", "Cars"...
"Grey's Anatomy," Sedgwick, Laurie, "Ugly Betty," Ferrera, Baldwin, "Elizabeth I," Mirren, Nighy, Blunt, Irons...
Beatty.

So, I've started writing again... this somewhat accounts for my semi-absence here... I shall continue writing, but hopefully the semi-absences will wain... I'll also try to treat you to little pieces of brilliant writing as I go...

Redirect:
Ego Dog
O.J.

This Just in:
Wha?
Don't try this at home
OR THIS
Life?
Dread

posted by Rockel @ 6:34 PM 1 comments

14 January, 2007

"Dammit!"

Guess who's back...

posted by Rockel @ 5:46 PM 1 comments

09 January, 2007

Finally!

(apple.com)

posted by Rockel @ 5:09 PM 4 comments

05 January, 2007

Ahhhhh... Weekend

Welcome to the weekend, everyone.

Glad you could make it.

All in all, 'twas a good week for the Rockel.

My job continues to suck, but it continues to provide for me as I for it, so gift horse it shall remain.

Last weekend was spent at the Temple of the Dosai. Things were killed, Photon Torpedos were consumed, 20 questions were asked, and a code was broken.

We also spent a night at a "primitive cabin"* on Little Round Top, which, for those of you who aren't Civil War Scholars, was the sight of... um... a battle where the Union kicked ass and took names (I'm not a Civil War Scholar either)...

Guests of honor were The Hayworth and The Cathey. Loretto presided.

This weekend shall see pages and pages of brilliant work written. There, I've said it. It must be so.

P.S. - for those of you who missed it in'92: Sneakers. One of my all-time favs. Watch it.

* not actual cabin.

posted by Rockel @ 6:55 PM 0 comments

About Me

Name: Rockel
Home:
About Me:
See my complete profile